COFFEE NEWS

After a decade of aggressive expansion throughout North America and abroad, Starbucks suddenly and unexpectedly closed its 2,870 worldwide locations Monday to prepare for what company insiders are calling “Phase Two” of the company’s long-range plan.

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The front of a temporarily closed Starbucks in Canton, OH.

“Starbucks has completed the coffee-distribution and location establishment phase of its operation, and is now ready to move into Phase Two,” read a statement from Cynthia Vahlkamp, Starbucks’ chief marketing officer. “We have enjoyed furnishing you with coffee-related beverages and are excited about the important role you play in our future plans. Please pardon the inconvenience while we fortify the second wave of our corporate strategy.”

Though the coffee chain’s specific plans are not known, existing Starbucks franchises across the nation have been locked down with titanium shutters across all windows. In each coffee shop’s door hangs the familiar Starbucks logo, slightly altered to present the familiar mermaid figure as a cyclopean mermaid whose all-seeing eye forms the apex of a world-spanning pyramid.

Those living near one of the closed Starbucks outlets have reported strange glowing mists, howling and/or cowering on the part of dogs that pass by, and electromagnetic effects that cause haunting, unearthly images to appear on TV and computer screens within a one-mile radius. Experts have few theories as to what may be causing the low-frequency rumblings, half-glimpsed flashes of light, and periodic electronic beeps emanating from the once-busy shops.

In addition, newly painted trucks marked with the nuclear trefoil, the biohazard warning symbol, and various mystic runes of the Kaballah have been spotted rolling out of Starbucks distribution warehouses.

A spokesman for Hospitality Manufacturing, a restaurant-supply company that does business with Starbucks, provided some insight as to what Phase Two might entail.

 

A Starbucks barista near the Indiana-Ohio border engages in reconnaissance of an undetermined nature.

“This week, they cancelled their usual 500,000-count order of Java Jackets and ordered 1.2 million Starbucks-insignia armbands instead,” Hospitality Manufacturing’s Jasper Hennings said. “They also called off their standing order for restaurant-grade first-aid kits, saying they had a heavy-duty source for those now. And, most ominous of all, they’ve stopped buying stirrers altogether.”

“I don’t like the looks of this,” added Hennings before disappearing late Monday night.

No Starbucks employees were available for comment, as those not laid off in January’s “loyalty-based personnel restructuring” or hospitalized in the series of freakish, company-wide milk-steamer malfunctions that severely scalded hundreds of employees, have been sent to re-training centers.

Remaining Starbucks employees earmarked for re-training are being taught revised corporate procedures alongside 15,500 new hires recently recruited from such non-traditional sources as the CIA retirement program, Internet bulletin boards frequented by former Eagle Scouts, and the employment section in the back of Soldier Of Fortune magazine.

More insight into Phase Two was provided by the company’s most recent quarterly stockholders’ report, which features a map of North America showing the location of every existing Starbucks. Lines drawn between the various stores form geometric patterns across the U.S., including five-pointed stars, Masonic symbols, and, in the Seattle area, the image of a gigantic Oroborous serpent wrapped around an inverted ziggurat.

Starbucks management has been tight-lipped regarding the upcoming changes. No upper-level executives have been seen in public since the first of the month, and no details seem to be forthcoming. Visitors to the Starbucks web site, however, are greeted with a letter from Starbucks founder Howard Schultz reading in part:

“To our valued Starbucks customer: Just wait until you see the exciting changes we’ve got in store for you as part of our new Phase Two. When you finally see what we’ve got brewing here at Starbucks, you’ll have no choice but to love it.”

Source:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28657

The 2007 Southeast Regional Barista Championship and SunJam barista and roaster trainings will be held October 19-21 in Clearwater, Fla. This year’s hosts are Ambex Roasters, Monin Gourmet Flavorings and Astoria/General Espresso Equipment. Fresh Cup is the event’s official media sponsor.

The combination of the SERBC and SunJam marks the first time a SCAA-sanctioned regional competition will be held in conjunction with concentrated barista and roaster trainings. For starters, first-time barista competitors will attend a highly encouraged training on October 18, to help alleviate some of the fear factor going in. “People who haven’t competed before are unnerved by experienced competitors,” says Terry Davis of Ambex. “This will raise the level of competition across the board.” Also, six to 10 decked-out barista stations will be on hand throughout the weekend for espresso-based skill building workshops, such as equipment maintenance fundamentals and adjusting espresso machines to accommodate specific blends.

Just as importantly, the event will be structured to bring baristas and roasters together, adding further value to the SunJam trainings and the weekend as a whole. “We want this event to foster interaction between groups that normally self-segregate,” says Davis. A Cup of Excellence cupping is on the schedule, and one class in particular will combine the related roaster and barista skills of espresso blending and proper brewing temperatures for different blends. Social events are scheduled for each evening, including a softball game one night on a minor-league field. “We’re trying to build a training community behind these competitions,” says Davis.

Source:

http://www.serbc.net/

Starbucks, the nation’s largest coffee-shop chain, continued its rapid expansion Tuesday, opening its newest location in the men’s room of an existing Starbucks.

“Coffee lovers just can’t stand being far from their favorite Starbucks gourmet blends,” said Chris Tuttle, Starbucks vice-president of franchising. “Now, people can enjoy a delicious Frappuccino or espresso just about any time they please, even while defecating.”

The new men’s-room-based Starbucks, the coffee giant’s 1,531st U.S. location, will be open to both men and women when not “in use.” In addition to offering specialty coffees from around the world, it will serve freshly baked pastries, Italian pannini sandwiches and soups, as well as the rest room’s usual selection of toilet paper and soap.

“This is a great addition,” said Jonathan Connolly, a Boston-area banker who tried out the new Starbucks Tuesday. “I was enjoying my usual triple mocha latté in the main Starbucks, and I had to go to the bathroom, where three people were in line to use the stalls. The wait might have been a problem, but, to my great pleasure, there was another Starbucks right there, ready to serve me more delicious coffee. And the baristas were helpful and courteous.”

Connolly added that after he finished drinking his coffee and using the bathroom, he stayed for a poetry reading near the urinals.

“I was a little bit worried about the new restaurant cutting into our business,” said Dave Grobelkowski, manager of the original Starbucks. “But the only people going there are ones who have already purchased items from us anyway. And if we run out of stirrers or cream, we can just go to the bathroom and borrow some.”

According to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, the new location represents the beginning of a long-term expansion plan.

“Eventually, Starbucks rest rooms everywhere will sell coffee,” Schultz said. “But that ambitious scheme is at least five years down the road. In the meantime, we plan to open an additional location in this Starbucks’ ladies’ room within months, and are already drafting plans for a fourth restaurant along the corridor leading from the main seating area to the rest rooms. At some point a ‘Star-bucks Express’ window will eventually open in the walk-in closet of the men’s room Starbucks.”

“Drink our coffee,” Schultz said. “Drink it.”

Source:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29030

At the Sweet Spot Cafe in the northern suburbs of Seattle, you get more than a foam topping on your cappucino. You get a waitress in a bikini, or maybe a tight-fitting T-shirt, and a choice of drinks with names such as Wet Dream (with caramel and white chocolate), Sexual Mix (a caramel macchiato) or Erotic Pleasure.

South of the city, in Tukwila, the baristas at Cowgirls Espresso wear sheer negligees and visible pink panties. It’s the same story in any number of other suburban bars and drive-through stands, like the Natte Latte in Port Orchard or Moka Girls in Auburn - bikinis, racy lingerie, fetish clothing, and plenty of suggestively exposed flesh.

At Best Friend Espresso in Kenmore, at the northern end of Lake Washington, the outfits take their inspiration from Playboy-style sex fantasies. The staff will go for the naughty schoolgirl look one week, then don black-framed glasses the next to look like sexy secretaries.

Welcome to “sexpresso” - the latest coffee fad to hit America, in which the country’s seemingly boundless fascination for Italian-style Java is combined with its equally boundless fascination for half-naked women.

Seattle may not be the first American city to come to mind when it comes to the pleasures of the flesh, but it is super-saturated with coffee stands, all of which are battling each other - and the mighty, locally based behemoth that is Starbucks - to give morning commuters an extra reason to stop off at their particular establishment.

“Here on Aurora Avenue, there’s a drive-through every 20 blocks. You have to do something to stand out,” said Sarah Araujo, owner of The Sweet Spot. Ms Araujo brainstormed with her customers to come up with something new and different when she bought the cafe - then called Aurora Espresso - a couple of years ago.

Not only did her staff start removing clothing and giving suggestive new names to the drinks, they also started doing theme days - Tube Top Tuesdays, Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays and Fantasy Fridays.

The plastic coffee cups are indistinguishable in shape from those sold in any other coffee shop in north America. But they are decorated with the silhouette of a busty naked woman carrying a steaming mug of “Joe”. The lid is sealed with a pink lipstick kiss.

During the summer, when the persistent Seattle rain finally lifts and the Pacific Northwest enjoys a few months of real sunshine, The Sweet Spot organises bikini car washes and takes care to post the most suggestive photographs on its website. This year, the cafe is planning a barista calendar.

Coming with a theme for a coffee bar is nothing new in America. In Los Angeles, there are cafes where you can buy second-hand books, get cut-price legal advice, throw pots, or listen to really, really bad live music provided by local bands. Strangely, nobody until now has thought of combining coffee with sex.

Ms Araujo and others say it has given an unmistakable boost to their businesses. Their staff may only receive minimum wage, but the tips can be terrific.

“Our customers may be half-asleep when they get here, but we do what it takes to wake them up,” said Ms Araujo. “They always say: ‘Thanks for the great cup of coffee and the smile; it made my day’.”

Some local puritans have expressed disquiet - and railed at The Seattle Times newspaper after it ran a feature on the sexpresso trend 10 days ago. But law enforcement officials say there is nothing illegal about wearing scanty clothing, so the trend is almost certain to keep spreading.

Even Seattle, though, has its limits. Sexy underwear is all very well, but the city hardly has the climate of French Polynesia.

“We’re not in bikinis right now,” Ms Araujo conceded in the murky early hours of yesterday. “We’re going more for miniskirts and boots. It’s pretty cold up here.”

Source:

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/article2237661.ece